Coping with Loss

As I post this blog on the eve of September 11th, I am reminded of that horrific day in our history. Almost three thousand innocent people were killed in a terrorist attack on the World Trade Center in New York City. Although ten years have passed, the memories of that fateful scene is etched so painfully in my mind, and many of you around the world. The resulting aftermath was unimaginable. Recently, a documentary was made featuring the children of 9/11. Particularly those of whom had lost a parent. The emotional upheaval that they had to face, seemed insurmountable in the aftermath of this tragic event. The pain and the grief indelibly etched in their hearts and in their minds. Interviews conducted with these children, showed that some of them coped better than others, while some still bottled up their grief.

We all face challenges in life - misfortune, failure, illness, sadness, grief. But, there is the other end of the pendulum where we experience great joy, success, love and happiness. One might suspect that Life is a constant balancing act. Like walking a tight rope that is stretched across two buildings. You grip the pole in your hands - it helps you keep your balance in check while teetering precariously in mid air with nothing below. So how far does one swing on that pendulum? Does one take a step forward or just stay in the same spot?

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger"
~ Friedrich Nietzsche ~

Call it what you like - stress, Life Challenges, Sh*t Happens. All of this can be overwhelming. Detrimental even to our health and wellbeing. It is very important that we learn how to manage these challenges.

I asked a personal training client of mine, a well-known politician in Malaysia, how he coped with stress. His reply "I don't stress about anything that is out of my control." It sounded really easy when he said it. I wish that could hold true when you experience the loss of a loved one.

My encounter with Grief

Sadly, my beloved father passed away just over eight months ago. It was heart-breaking to witness his suffering - I felt totally helpless. The humiliation of a body that broke down and would not support him physically. A gut-wrenching experience for me as I witnessed dementia rob him of his mind. A mind that was always quick to whip out a story or two about his birthplace, Cyprus. Be it at an adventure we had shared or a joke we both enjoyed. There were times when my father did not recognise me or members of my family. I really do miss him. The feelings surrounding his departure are still raw. Sometimes I choke back my tears. Other times, I welcome the relief of giving in to my tears.

On these occasions, I remind myself that my father lives within me. There's a photo that I have of me and my father that was taken on my wedding day. When I look at this photo, it helps me to anchor a strong, vibrant and happy emotion – of how proud he was on one of the most joyous days of my life.

How I dealt with Grief

Grieving is a process. It needs time and you must give yourself permission to take that time. Some may need more time than others so the most important thing to remember is, be gentle with yourself. A wide range of emotions erupted within me after my father's passing: denial, disbelief, confusion, shock, sadness, yearning, anger, despair and guilt.

Here's my insight on how to cope with grief:-

• Stay in the present moment, focus on the loved ones around you – don't forget that they are suffering similar emotions.

• It is easy to focus on who or what is missing. However, it does take a lot of strength and emotional steadiness to do the opposite.

• Time is the best healer – learn to manage and deal with grief, however long it takes.

• Go through the grieving process; acknowledge the various stages .

• Remember, seeking help is not a sign of weakness. Seek out support from family and friends that you trust or the following organisations if you need help, www.lifeline.org.au and www.beyondblue.org.au.

"Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards."
~ Soren Kirkegaard ~

About the Author: Xen (The X Factor) Angelides is the founder of X-Factor Human Performance Systems. Xen is a veteran of the fitness industry, an accomplished educator and professional speaker. With thirty years of experience in club operations, personal training, programming and membership sales, Xen is the oracle on any type of fitness matter. During the last ten years, Xen has held management positions with some of the world's fitness equipment manufacturing giants where he was responsible for identifying, developing and providing ongoing resources to a global distributor network in over sixty countries.